Column: Beware the babies


Parker Nolan

Strangely identical babies now inhabit the school.

I’m sitting in class, focusing on algebra, when suddenly a baby cries.

Am I hearing things?

“Square root of 2xy to the 17th power.”  


I look up, but no one else is phased by the screaming. This brings me back to my original question: Is this all in my head?

The bell rings, so I gather up my belongings and start heading out the door when I see it.

A baby.

A girl that I have gone to school with for years has a child in her arms. I do a triple take and sit down for a second because at this point I know I must be going crazy.

When I finally get myself together, I move on to my next class and come to the conclusion that the crying baby I just saw is my tired brain tricking me due to sleep deprivation.

But then I see another.

This time it is with a boy I don’t know.

I think maybe he is a single dad. Then he starts changing the baby on the floor– in the middle of the passing period.

I feel my forehead with the back of my hand, expecting it to be scorching hot because there is no way I’m not sick. I’m seeing things, right?

Slowing but surely, I make my way to English and try to wrap my head around how babies just somehow appeared.

Where did they come from?

Why is no one else freaking out?

Has anyone ever heard of daycare?

My day continues on, and with each passing minute more babies appear.

These parents are clueless, carrying their babies around with one arm wrapped around its waist like it’s a toy doll. And another yelling at the infant to shut up because they’re trying to get some extra sleep in during Spanish.

They obviously didn’t read the parenting books that line the walls in book stores.

The funny thing about these kids, though, is they all look identical.

They all have the same clothes.

And weirdest of all, they have a new parent each day.

I don’t know who started this, and I don’t know when it is going to end, but all I can say is beware the babies– they are taking over the school.