Matt Smith, Business Manager
To say it in the nicest of ways, Matt Smith is a very interesting member of our newspaper staff. We don’t necessarily want him here but he would not stop nagging all of us this year to allow him to take part. He is an annoying, short, ginger with the lamest jokes. His nickname (given to himself) is Witty Smitty and if we don’t call him that, he gets upset and says he is going to put you on his “hit list”.
After you get on that prestigious list, you become his object of obsession, and he usually stalks you for a week, camping out in your backyard, constantly looking through his binoculars through your window. Creepy, right? Don’t worry though because he is all talk. Sometimes, when he isn’t telling dumb jokes, he tells stories that are so outrageous and ridiculous that you can’t even imagine why he would ever think that we believe them.
He claims to have fought Floyd Mayweather in an underground boxing tournament, where he broke his undefeated streak three years ago. He also tells us that he is a longtime pen pal with Justin Bieber, who allegedly copied Witty’s style back in ‘06. Matt insisted on us including that he won the Class Clown Award back in 1st grade and that he intends on breaking the Guinness World Record for the most days spent continually humming Lady Gaga songs from daybreak to sun down. (Is that even a thing?)
We are all praying that he will get a hint this year that we just really can’t stand him, and then maybe he will leave. Until then, pray for us.
