The college life is creeping up on the senior class of 2015. The daunting class sizes, the community restrooms, and all the unfamiliar faces are, for most, just three months away. The truth is, all that stuff is irrelevant and unnecessary to worry about in hindsight of the biggest overlooked issue about college: “The Freshman 15”.

Many people try to avoid the effects of this added weight, but I am challenging myself to accept it and take the freshman 15 to a whole new level. Fifteen pounds is something a 140 lb. male could use on his lean bones, but the real concern is how to transition from the malnourished life of the typical suburban 18-year-old, to the glorious, fruitful life of the undergraduate student on the meal plan. Maybe I’ve been too harsh. My mother has done a wonderful job helping me grow over the years but never have I ever had to worry about stretching my stomach for that extra scoop of ice cream because I was never allowed. There were no Asian buffets prepared for me at my kitchen counter for when I woke up from a late afternoon nap. Not even my super duper mom could whip up a nice home-cooked meal served over the counter whenever I wanted.

So how do I prepare for this bountiful time of life? I feast. I scarf up the largest possible amount of food I can in the next 3 months and teach my stomach to hold it all in. Of course I can’t introduce all this food at once. It takes careful planning and technique to make this a success. After I go through my four stages of preparation, I will practically be as good at eating food as the hot dog eating legend, Takeru Kobayashi.

Stage 1: Give Exercise the Boot

All you non-athletes excel at this stage, but some of the more athletic sort get caught in this stage and are never able to embrace the true beauty of weight gain. They run on their treadmills but where are they going? They drag bags of weight on their back that is heavy but full of nothing. Why don’t they just put that weight on permanently and feel the burn in their legs forever? Until I got over the hump of soccer season, this stage was nearly impossible to overcome, but I am proud to say I have avoided any sort of exercise activity for the past month.

Stage 2: Embrace the Netflix Addiction

One of the true powers of cigarettes is it’s ability to makes someone completely addicted. Netflix works in the same way without throwing in lung cancer to the mix. The euphoria of the experience is just intoxicating. You may think you are just sitting down for one episode of Bob’s Burgers and next thing you know, you’re 10 episodes in and it is three in the morning on a school night. While some may be trying to stay away from this addiction, it is best to use it to feed your desire. It is hard to watch tv and not snack while you are doing it. Stage 2 is all about using distractions to inspire eating. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Stage 3: Foster a Relationship with your Pantry

Now that you have made strides in snacking, you have to continue to feed the fire. If you are ignorant to the snacking life you may be unfamiliar with your house’s pantry. It is important in this stage to come to know your pantry inside and out, but mostly inside because that’s where you will find your peace. Some people idealize their closet for all the clothes they hold inside. The pantry is much like the closet but it holds much more desirable things in it. Who cares about clothes anyway. The typical undergraduate doesn’t give two goats about what their style looks like. Might as well adopt that attitude now and get a head start. Eat up that pantry in the mean time. You are not worthy to move onto the last stage until you’ve sent your mom back to the grocery store for the third time that week.

Stage 4: Wait

It is only a matter of time before your eating habits start to make an effect on your body. Allow it to take over. Meditation and stretching is a great way to accept the food into your body. Fighting your metabolism is a tough job but you have to eat away at it. If you get discouraged by the lack of weight gain, you have not waited long enough, but don’t be persuaded to give up on it. There is so much to be gained on top of weight from this journey. Have you ever wanted to just lean over and roll? What about the satisfying feeling of not knowing what your legs look like as older ages approach? If you want all the beauty that comes from more pounds, keep with it.
I am going to be entering my college life with full confidence that I will be able to conquer the meal plan. The school record is 19 visits to the dining halls in one day. I intend on blowing that statistic out of the water. Join me in mastering this part of the college experience and express your hunger in the best ways possible. It will change your life.