Homecoming is a term that almost everyone is familiar with. Homecoming Court nominations, mums and garters, dress-up days and other fun activities are all events leading up to this fall dance. If you take a look at the events preceding the Homecoming dance–aka “Hoco”–it may seem like the dance will be even more spectacular than the activities you are doing during the school weeks prior to. Unfortunately, this inference is wrong.

First, let’s just take a moment to talk about costs. This year, I was going to go to homecoming (reluctantly) with a friend of mine, but then I saw the prices of the mums. For those of you reading this who have never been in Texas during Homecoming season, mums may be an unfamiliar concept to you. A mum is basically a huge fake Chrysanthemum flower placed on a circular piece of cardboard and then topped with long ribbons, feather boas, and bells that reach down to the floor. Girls hang these devices around their necks and walk around with them all day on the Friday before Homecoming and to the Homecoming football game. These horrid objects make for the worst headaches you can imagine, but what you may be paying for this giant headache ranges from the smallest, most disappointing mum, $15, to mums the size of the state of Texas that rack up to $300. This is a huge amount to pay for something that your date will wear one time in their life, and it is almost 10 times as much as the average girl pays for her dates garter–a mini mum–which is typically anywhere from $20-$70. I just feel like all of the money spent on mums could be spent somewhere else, and maybe even for a better cause.

Another thing that costs a lot of money is the actual dance ticket, and the events leading up to the dance the night of. At this school, homecoming tickets are $30 apiece,  but at my old school, tickets were $60 apiece. Being the guy, you typically have to pay for both tickets, and for your date’s dinner when you go out to eat with your group before the dance. This all adds up to around $300 dollars, unless you buy a mum the size of a small elephant.

The next part of Homecoming that I absolutely despise is the actual dance. Getting dressed up in formal wear and taking pictures with all of your friends who are also in formal wear is fun. Going out to eat with all of your friends in formal wear is fun. Riding to the dance with all of your friends is fun. The actual dance? Awful.

I do not mind other couples. I don’t mind when couples dance with each other and maybe show a tad bit of affection. What I do mind is when two people are “grinding” on each other three feet away from me while I am trying to have a good time with my friends. I don’t want to see you dancing sexually with your boyfriend, sorry. I like to use the rule “leave enough space for Jesus between the two of you.”

The music at the dance is usually not my preference, there are people surrounding me (not a good thing for someone with social anxiety), and there are couples making out everywhere I turn.

I’m sorry if I created a grotesque image in your mind, but that is the truth. I am all for the Homecoming festivities and the sense of school spirit it brings, but I hate the Homecoming dance. These reasons are why I am strictly Pro-Noco, an abbreviation blending “No” and “Hoco,” made for people like me who would rather lay in bed at home with my laptop on my chest binge watching season three of New Girl or getting lost in the vortex that is YouTube.

Join me, friends. Become Pro-Noco.