Analyst Report: Jasen Eairheart

Jasen Eairheart, Guest Contributor

As I sit here writing this, contemplating my profession as a Monday morning quarterback, postulating how my fantasy football season has already ended after only Week 1, I’m reminded that I don’t need fantasy football, and we won’t even bring up the No Fun League. We’ve got the real thing coming up in the form of Powderpuff.

In my short three years at the high school, I’ve seen a lot of Powderpuff action on the gym floor: broken bones (Emma Lescher), one-woman wrecking crews (Donnelle Branch), head coach ejections (although I think the Comerford triplets ejected themselves), and sibling rivalries (Weichel vs. Weichel). For this year, unfortunately, I had to hawk my ticket to the championship game so I could attend my sister’s wedding. I tried to persuade her to postpone it, but her priorities are just out of whack. Anyway, five minutes on Stubhub, and now I can buy a new tie. And I’ll be sure to follow @RayCoopTeacher for play-by-play updates and highlights.

Even though I can’t be at the game, I do have my predictions. I’ve been scouting the freshmen team by watching their dribbling skills, and I think it’s realistic that they’ll break records this year…by scoring two points.

The sophomore team, on the other hand, have made some great putts in the preseason and will put on another show this year, with Weichel leading the charge. As long as Weichel is throwing to Weichel and Weichel is blocking for Weichel and Weichel is hitting home runs, this team will give opposing defenses a headache. Oh yeah, and then watch out for that Weichel girl on defense, too.

Then we have the juniors and seniors, who are evenly matched, but my money’s on the juniors. Literally, I’ve got a side bet with Mr. Motsney: a brand new, shiny Lincoln penny goes to the winner. While it will be close at the tipoff, after the second inning, the juniors will be up 406-12.  The seniors will come back in the third half, mainly due to the power play.

In the end, it’ll be the juniors toppling the seniors in penalty kicks in the championship match.