Plausible causes for the low temperatures recorded in our main gym

With AP testing going on this week in the main gym, there have been some rumors going around regarding the temperatures the tests are being administered under. It is frigid in the gym. While some administrators are insisting that the temperature is a comfortable 66 degrees fahrenheit in there, students who spend time in there are feeling temperatures that are diving well below optimal testing conditions.

AP Environmental Science was something out of a nightmare. Thank goodness College Board prohibits footage to be taken during the tests, because nobody should have to see the horrors that came from that fateful morning. Students were not prepared for it to be cold and so they arrived in their traditional, comfortable spring wear, all cheery and smiling. All that would change when the doors swung open and beckoned those poor souls into the freezer of the main gym. We’ll never know for sure what happened in there for the next four hours but it has been rumored that someone was shipped to a facility in Florida where they have been thawing out for the past couple days.

Students have narrowly survived the past couple exams and questions have begun to be asked. Administration claims the temperature is kept that way for the purposes of keeping students awake and focused during their exams, but The Red Ledger believes it is kept that way for other reasons. There are three plausible reasons for the freezing temperatures and they go as followed.

The first, and probably most likely reason, is that the school district has decided to embark on a new business venture and is using the gym as the new company’s headquarters. ‘What kind of business?’ you may ask. Well taking in consideration the obvious cold temperatures, it is thought that they have entered the lucrative sno cone market. With all the student traffic going on at Bahama Bucks lately, it is no wonder the high school wanted to get in on all the action. Shaved ice needs to be kept at temperatures unsuitable for life and that is exactly why students are losing toes from their AP exams. If this rumor is true, and the high school is in fact in the “start-up” stages of a large scale sno cone corporation, then we have to wonder just how many free sno cones they will be giving out to those poor test takers who have lost body parts as an honorable sacrifice.

The second, less likely, but still plausible reason, is that the school has decided to tweak the school’s mascot and have now declared that we will be the “Lovejoy Snow Leopards”. I think it has a nice ring to it and it will be even better now that the high school has imported three wild snow leopards from the mountain ranges of Mongolia. As tame, living creatures, we could bring them to pep rallies and football games, train them to be viable parking attendants, or escort our superintendent Ted Moore to work everyday. Of course these beautifully exotic animals could not live comfortably in our climate and that is why the school has made the main gym their new home. Snow leopards are used to temperatures that plummet to -20 degrees. It is exciting to think that we may now have living, breathing mascots now on our campus. It is even more exciting that our AP students are glad to suffer for the betterment of these endangered species.

The third and final possibility The Red Ledger is entertaining with this issue at hand is a darker and sadder truth. It calls for the end of mankind as we know it. I regret to inform the world, but I believe that the sixth major ice age is spawning from our high school’s gymnasium. Scientists have done extensive research over the past couple years and have determined that the most recent ice age occurred about one billion years ago. The one before that happened about one billion years before that. By my logic, it sounds like we are due for one. With temperatures dipping down to around -100 degrees below zero in the main gym, you can’t help but think the inevitable is upon us. If I am correct in my assumptions, these AP tests will be going down in human history. I just hope the freeze over holds off until I take my economics test Thursday.

I am not 100 percent sure about any of these ideas but the hope is that we will receive some information to back up one of these in the next few days. Until then, bundle up before you set foot in the main gym for your final AP exams. Remember kids, you want college credit not hypothermia.