I literally have no clue what I want to do with my life. And I’m pretty much committed to spending at least the next 8 years studying something that is definitely going to be really difficult and possibly going to be very boring. Neuroscience sounds interesting to me, but it also sounds incredibly hard, and I have no way to tell if the work will pay off. That’s so scary to me. I mean, full disclosure, probably 30 percent of the reason I got interested in this field was because it made me sound smart, and I love when I sound smart.

My parents always tell me that they’ll support me no matter what I do, but I’ve heard them talking about how they wonder how my brother is going to get a good job because he goes to art school and majors in video game design. They always talk about how I’m going to make all the money in the family and they’ll be able to count on me financially. And I know they’re joking but it still puts pressure on me and I feel obligated to go into medicine because that’s all I’ve ever considered doing. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a vet. Later, I wanted to be a doctor, then a psychologist, and now a neuroscientist. I never questioned my choices, because I never had a reason to. It’s no problem to say that I want to go to med school and get a PhD when I don’t have to take into consideration how difficult that task is actually going to be. So now I’m stuck with one option that I may or may not hate in actuality.

I’ve only been alive for 18 years. I only have about 14 years of conscious experience. I still have to ask to go to the bathroom but I’m supposed to be able to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I can’t even trust my own opinion because I change my mind all the time. Over the summer, I went through a phase where I absolutely loved Crispix cereal. I would carry around the box most days and finish it in a day if I set my mind to it. Now I’m completely indifferent to Crispix. It’s still okay, but I don’t love it. I have clothes that I bought less than a year ago that I would never consider wearing today. I change my mind all the time. And that’s fine when it’s about clothes or food, but not when it’s about careers.

It’s not even like it’s an issue where I really love, like, horseback riding, but I’m compromising my dream so I can have a successful career. There isn’t some alternative that I really wish I could do. People tell you to do what makes you happy, but there isn’t a job where you hang out with your friends and watch movies and eat raw cookie dough all day.

I am paralyzed by the thought that I’m doing something that could literally make the rest of my life miserable. But it’s not like there’s time for me to change my mind.

I just don’t know what I want and apparently that’s not acceptable.