Oh the horror, the shame even, for being as attractive as I am.

Waking up early in the morning hearing screams of excitement, not from my parents or siblings, but from my fans. Seeing their faces peek through the window and having the sun glisten on my perfectly assembled face as I wake up from yet another flawless night of sleep.

It is a struggle being as attractive as I am. My voice so sweet and perfectly pitched that when the birds come to sing me awake in the morning they burst instantly from their hearts being overwhelmed with joy. The upkeep of having to clean this mess every single morning becomes burdensome, with my walls changing from a subtle beige to a feathery mix of all different colors.

As I begin my day, and start my morning activities, everyone in my family has to avert eye contact or else they will get lost in the deep tranquility that my eyes possess, bringing them to a state of pure calmness like they are resting on the ocean with an unlimited supply of high quality food at their disposal, until they finally wake up from the daydream to realize that seven hours have passed and they have accomplished nothing for the day.

Driving to school is always a pain. I don’t know how many times I have been pulled over by a cop for my headlights being too bright, and subsequently having to explain that it is my bright smile that is so luminescent. I’ve gone to court countless times for accidentally hitting girls who have dashed in front of my car to catch a glimpse of my face.

After distracting other students for years at school, the administration at my school has forced me to wear a mask to hide my god-like facial features during my school activities. I have to wear a full suit, with nothing showing but my hands. So now at school, all the gossip from the girls is just how fantastic my thumbs look every day.

At a young age, many talent agencies took note for my amazing looks. At the age of 10 they put my face up on a billboard promoting fungus cream for the elderly. Although profits tripled for the cream while the sign was up, there were so many crashes on the road over the next couple of days the city went into a state of emergency and the sign was taken down immediately. I was charged with the 2nd degree murder of 3,000 people, but was ultimately found innocent after I made a slight wink at the judge.

Many talk about how lucky I am for being the most attractive human ever in existence, with my defined facial features that force even the most scientific of people think that a god must have handcrafted my face. The loneliness and guilt that fill my everyday knowing that I am the cause of so many deaths, force me to believe that my attractiveness is rather a curse than a gift.

Unfortunately, there can be no photo of me for this piece. When I smiled for the picture, the photographer and the whole block and half behind her were obliterated as my teeth reflected the sun’s heat causing near-apocalyptic fates for everyone within a quarter mile of the event.