A major non-sequel, utilizing a foreign country to influence it’s visuals and sets, not to mention the presence of my favorite mythical creature, dragons; what could possibly go wrong here? Well, a lot actually, thanks to one of the sloppiest scripts seen in ages. And Keanu Reeves’ acting. And the poorly done action sequences. In fact, everything that can go wrong pretty much does in this mess of a tentpole.

This is the story of a man, Kai (Keanu Reeves), who is ostracized by his people due to him being believed to have been descended from demons or something. No, wait, it’s actually about Oishi (Hiroyuki Sanada) trying to lead a band of warriors against people who stole his land. Or maybe it’s about both a bunch of filmmakers exploiting Japanese folklore for Hollywood filmmaking. Either way, it’s all very, very disappointing.

You might think I’m being overly snarky for the sake of humor, but I’m legitimately still confused as to what this movie truly is about. For long stretches, the focus of the story changes, and it just makes things overly convoluted for no good reason. It doesn’t help that none of the characters we meet are anything more than just stereotypical cliches, with people being reduced to simplified characteristics like “bad guy”, “fat guy” or “tattoo guy”. Honestly, the depth in the protagonists and antagonists makes the likes of Rolie Pollie Ollie look complex by comparison.

As if all that weren’t enough, we’re stuck with Keanu Reeves trying to act, which is a more disturbing sight than any seen in The Conjuring. I mean, why is he even in this role when there’s so many better actors that could fill the role and bring actual talent to this part. That terrible script admittedly doesn’t do him any favors, with the biggest problem being that he sometimes has mystical powers and abilities in major action sequences, but then they mysteriously vanish in other scenes where they would have come in handy. Everyone else sort of just goes through the motions here, although Rinko Kikuchi gets the strangest scene in the movie, where she attempts to persuade Kai’s love interest to kill herself, a scene which for some reason has not-so-subtle lesbian undertones that do not gel with the rest of the film at all, though it is at least more entertaining than anything else in the movie.

Honestly, I don’t want to rag on 47 Ronin so hard; after all, it’s a film from a first time director and it’s as close to completely original as a $175 million film can be. That being said, this proves once and for all that it doesn’t it matter if a film is a sequel or not; no, what truly matters is if a film has a good story, and 47 Ronin certainly does not, and unfortunately, it deserves every bit of criticism. There’s nothing in this flick but terrible acting, poorly shot action sequences (there’s one battle scene set among fire that is practically indecipherable) and some shallow characters, making 47 Ronin a fascinatingly horrible movie.