Editor’s note: The Red Ledger Staff is not responsible for any injuries, disciplinary action or social awkwardness that results from following Nicole’s advice.
School is really just what you make of it, whether it’s skipping class every day and going to fill up on espresso at Starbucks or stressing yourself out constantly by taking 35 AP classes. Here is my version of Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide with some expert tips on how to make it through high school:
Tip #1: If you’re in your car “skrting” down Country Club at a speed that the school’s officer would be less than happy to see, you might as well go ahead and get Sonic drinks for yourself, all your favorite friends, your favorite teachers, and the golf cart guy (you’re going to want to make friends with him).
Pro Tip: If you bring food or a Sonic drink back for your first period teacher, they might not count you tardy.
Tip #2: When a teacher calls you out for texting under your desk, show them your graphing calculator instead, and tell them that you were just trying to find the speed at which the sun moves around the earth (like that pre-cal quiz question you were not prepared for).
Tip #3: When having a bad hair day with no way to fix your ‘do, go down to the theatre department and ask to borrow a fedora, sombrero, or wig from “Seussical” to add some spunk to your fall outfit.
Tip #4: When you have a Socratic seminar for a book that you definitely did not read, be sure to emphasize that you definitely did read it, and then talk the entire class period about the characters you read from your SparkNotes summary.
Pro Tip: Make sure your friends are the moderators for the class discussion so they will give you full points.
Tip#5: When walking in the hallways, walk directly into oncoming traffic to weave between people for faster travel. Also, use the edge of your shoulder to really move past those senior football players. You will get to your next class in a fraction of the time.
Tip #6: The bathrooms in the school never swap. Don’t worry, always go in the restroom to the right. If there is a member of the opposite gender in there, it’s okay– just carry on.
Tip #7: When someone parks in your spot, it is in the school’s contract to hit their car until it is moved out of the way. I swear it is in the writing, don’t “at” me.
Tip #8: When at Whataburger make sure to put it all over your SnapChat story so that everyone will know that you’re a cool kid who goes to Whataburger after the game.
Tip #9: Taking every AP class available will definitely get you ahead of all the underachievers who get to leave the house on school nights and those who have time to binge-watch Netflix. You might be busy all the time and be crushed by the weight of a thousand papers, but you know what they say, GPA is forever.
Tip #10: Make sure to tan in the courtyard during those really nice fall and spring days. Administration might try to dresscode you, but just say you were just working on your golden glow and they’ll respect that.
With these tips, you’ll embody the graduate profile perfectly and be a student that teachers, other students, and you’re parents will really appreciate. Good luck out there– Lovejoy truly is the jungle.