To the average American, $209 million sounds like a lot doesn’t it? For a big summer blockbuster though, it’s a drop in the bucket. That amount of money is understandable for something that’s guaranteed to bring in money (“Harry Potter,” “Transformers,” and “The Avengers”). However, for a movie based on the “Battleship” board game, that amount of money sounds atrocious. Well, at least the CGI will look nice, but no amount of money can help cover up a bad story. So, in the end, is Battleship worth a trip to the cinema? Well B4 you go out to see it, hear my opinion first.
Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitch) is a 25-year old ne’er do well, who enlists in the Navy to get something out of life. With a high-ranking position, great skills and a gorgeous girlfriend (Brooklyn Decker), life would be perfect if he could just stay out of trouble. Along with his overachieving brother (Alexander Skarsgard), Alex heads off on a routine war-games outing, only to find himself face to face with an alien invasion. Thanks to a gigantic border the aliens have put up, Alex, his crew, three other ships, and the islands of Hawaii are trapped, leaving everyone’s fate in Alex’s hands.
Battleship seems to be taking everything it knows from “Transformers.” That’s not too surprising since both of the toys they’re inspired by are made by the same company. However, literally EVERYTHING is stolen: the attempts at humor, stronger language than you might expect, aliens, supermodels pretending to act, and tons of product placement (there’s an entire shot in this movie of a girl drinking from a Subway cup. Subtlety, guys, subtlety). The difference, though, is that the first “Transformers” had a genuinely unique protagonist and action sequences that made you feel like a kid again. “Battleship,” though, decides to do just action, all of the time. It gets boring! No lie, I was bored the entire middle act of this movie. I don’t care if the aliens are coming and we’re all doomed. I’ve seen this all before so try at least to spice it up (“Super 8” and “The Avengers” can take a bow on giving us unique alien invasions). “Battleship” doesn’t do anything different, so the story is spectacularly bland, right down to the dialogue (which is already laughable in and of itself).
The rest of the movie fares relatively worse, with the personality of our main character (Alex) differing depending on what the scene wants him to do. One scene he’s a genius who knows the work of Greek poet Homer, the next he’s an arrogant fool, and the next he’s a compassionate fellow. It’s enough to give you a headache. Plot holes bigger than the Pacific Ocean appear numerous times, and the best actor, Liam Neeson, is relegated to cameo status.
The worst part of the whole feature are the aliens themselves. Once their helmets are ditched, they resemble old, bald, grizzled hippies instead of fearsome aliens. The best extra-terrestrial invaders must be hideous so that the audience will despise them (i.e. “Independence Day”). If I came face to face with these “Battleship” aliens, the only thing I’d do is laugh. Add that to their selective killings (they won’t kill an unarmed little leaguer, but innocent soliders seem to be fair game) and these invaders just don’t make the cut.
Not all of “Battleship” is bad. I did like the fact that they used real Navy veterans and NASA ideas for the flick. There is also a funny scene involving the raid of a convenience store, and frankly, the movie is nowhere near as bad as it could’ve been. I’d even say it’s better than “Transformers 2,” but these guys lack the emotion of wonder to truly join the great sci-fi movies. A disappointment on multiple levels, Battleship doesn’t quite sink, but it’s more of a miss than a hit.
